If blogging has taught me one thing, it is that I am rarely alone. Even on things that are rarely talked about. Therefore I wanted to share what God has been convicting me of, in hopes that can bless someone. So, today I share my heart…
I want to be Superwoman.
That person that can sweep in and save the day.
I want to do everything perfectly and to have the ability to never say (or think) no when I see a need. I want to be able to have everything under control.
I wish I was a superhero… But, I am not. I am human, weak, and often helpless to fix problems I see.
IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
I want to Superwife. I want to make his day wonderful. I want to be his super sexy, amazing, prima domestic diva for him. But, I am not. I have served dinner at 8 more often than not since starting GAPS. I can not keep up with everything and long after my energy is gone:
- There is still crayon markings on the wall.
- A pile of dirty dishes sits on my counter.
- Too few clean clothes grace our drawers.
- I did not make his food for the next day so he gets canned salmon… again.
- I have yet to spend time with him.
I want to be Supermom. One who uses every teachable moment, seizes the day, is always kind and patient, takes joy in parenthood at all time.
But, I am not. I fail. I have a bad attitude and am impatient. Christopher asks me “will you be happy, please?” when I am frustrated, and says “it’s all fine!” when I burst into tears over silly things. I am no supermom!
I want to be a superhero to those around me. I want to be able to watch the kids of anyone who needs a break. To be able to cook a meal for anyone it would bless. To go help clean houses, to be family to those who do not have one, to invite people into my home and be the perfect hostess and serve them an amazing meal.
But, I am not. I rarely offer to babysit these days as my own kids wear me out. I rarely have anyone over, or cook for anyone other than for my family right now.
I struggle to want to be around people when I do not feel like I have extra energy to offer. I feel not a superhero but a “burden” so I “best” stay home.
I want to be a super crafter… blogger… musician… artist… To be perfect at everything I try. I do not want to have to learn things like mortals. To make mistakes. I do not want to be weak.
I want to be a perfect, independent, superhero.
Than I am not. I sink in guilt and try all the harder… with no better results- but more guilt stuffed into that too large bag I carry.
I will never be a superhero.
For this reason I declare myself an unworthy failure.
But, God is telling me a different story.
Through prayer he tells me the words “beautiful” and “strong”. Even if I am not a perfect superhero and would never win top model. (read that story)
He tells me his yoke is easy and his burden is light. That bag I carry to stuff my guilt into, needs not be carried. I can find rest. (Matthew 11:29-30)
He says to me “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” I will boast the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
He loves me. A sinner. So much so that he sent his son to die for me. (Romans 5:8)
He tells me condemnation is not of him. That he died to set us free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8)
He tells me that it is fine to need other people, especially him. That does not make me weak. But, HE is my strength. (Psalm 46:1)
I need not be a superhero. God is in control.